1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 M.P.H. yet have a 200 M.P.H. speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8- Track tape player(TM).
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colours and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Any time an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "good-bye."
I have driven trucks that, even fully laden have been able to easily exceed the speed limit, and it's b*****y annoying to be overtaken by one plank in a 2.9 Scorpio that decides he doesn't want me to travel faster than 42 m.p.h..
One of the more humorous incidents that occurred was on the A505 towards Baldock.
I was travelling in convoy with half a dozen assorted trucks and vans.
At one stage, I realised that one of the trucks in front was towing a second truck with a chain.
Every so often, someone was able to overtake.
When my chance came, there was a dipstick in a Cavalier SRi behind me.
I attempted to overtake, but realised that there wasn't enough road, but there was a dual carriageway coming up.
Dipstick booted it, shot past me, and for no reason dived in front of me, and braked hard! I braked so I didn't run into the pleb, and lost all my revs.
Missed overtaking the slower trucks, but when I caught them up, the Cav was still behind them!
So, eventually, he tried the same with the truck in front.
Went haring past, jumped on the brakes, dived in, and got catapulted out, across the road, up the bank, and into a hedge at very high speed!
We all stopped, and the bewildered pillock started blaming everyone but himself for this misfortune.
By the time the plods had arrived there must have been a dozen trucks, all pointing in the same direction, with the drivers all agreeing that he'd done the same to all of them, too!
The plods were nearly crying with the effort of trying to keep straight faces whilst taking the bloke's statement!
One plod decided to interview me, and as we got out of sight of the Cav pilot, let rip with an enormous laugh! Four lorry drivers charged round to find out what the ruckus was, but all there was me and this rozzer nearly p*****g ourselves!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pick-up truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pick-up truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pick-up truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pick-up truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pick-up truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see."
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
Room G22/a
(Ministers Inner Sanctum)
Whitehall
LONDON
SW1A 3DH
Tel: 0171 243 1212
Fax: 0171 243 2314
Dear
We are delighted to tell you that your application has been accepted, and we are able to welcome you into our brotherhood at Saint Alfred of The Sweaty Armpit.
This Holy Order of the Benedictine faith was founded in the year 956 AD by a humble cloth-weaver named Markus of Spencer, and a lady travelling with him, named Laura of Ashley. After a short while, it was deemed necessary to separate the monks from the nuns, as this was giving rise to some rumours which, of course, were totally without foundation, (as was at most times, apparently, the Lady named Laura). This also slowed the phenomenal number of orphaned babies mysteriously placed on the door-step of the monastery. The Convent of Our Lady of the Swelling Belly was built on land immediately to the other side of the chapel, and both buildings enjoy a sub-terranian passage to enable both brothers and sisters to go to their devotions in inclement weather without getting wet. Quite why it should be the dormitories that have been linked in this way was never recorded.
Sister Inertia of the Convent fulfils the role of our teacher. She has seen your file and accepts that your religious instruction to be adequate. We know that you will only be receiving a single lesson because, as you were leaving the grounds, she said she is looking forward to giving you one.
Such a lovely person; it's sometimes difficult to accept that she's nearly eighty-six.
But, to return to the present. Under section 1403/12a of our Holy Orders, (your own copy of which will be given to you upon arrival) we are unfortunately unable to allow you to use your own name. Neither could we allow you to use the first three choices that you submitted. This is because the first two names appeared to have some kind of hypnotic effect upon several of the older brothers and we were simply unable to find the last anywhere in the Holy Bible. One of our Brothers seems to think it may be a plumbing term, as he heard a man that was trying to repair the hot water system utter the same expression several times when he had either trapped his hand, or burnt or crushed his fingers.
We therefore respectfully submit the following choices and some explanation of their meaning:-
Brother Aelfric, writer. Traditionally copies books in longhand Latin.
Brother Anselm, precentor. Traditionally leads and directs the choir.
Brother Francis, founder of the Franciscan Christian Brotherhood. Patron saint of novels about horse-racing.
Brother Jerome. Saint Jerome was a Dalmation priest and made the first authentic Latin translation of the Bible from Hebrew. Singer of songs (usually) with partner Brother Robson.
If you choose one of the above names, you would be expected to attempt to follow in the profession of that name, although this is not compulsory.
Further ecclesiastical names that do not have any kind of recognised status, but are still welcome are:-
Edric, Godric, Haluin, Paul, Radulfus, Robert.
Any other names may be chosen from the list that Brother Petrus keeps in his office, as we are only supposed to accept English, Welsh or Saxon names from before 1344 AD.
We do have a list of Brothers that need willing assistants, to learn the trade and to take over as the time comes. These include:-
Infirmarer, looking after the ill, within the confines of the abbey. This includes some training to wards a medical qualification.
Herbalist, mainly looking after the herb garden and learning the properties of all herbs for both medical and kitchen use.
Hosteller, looks after any guests in the guest-hall.
Regardless of the name you choose, you will be allowed to try your hand at any of the many tasks we are proud to undertake.
There may be little time for any formal theological training before you join us, so we are advising you to hire the following videos:-
Nuns on The Run, The Brother Cadfael series, The Father Ted series, Sister Act & Sister Act II.
Alternatively, if these or episodes of The Vicar of Dibley are unavailable, any old Father Dowling Investigates videos will do. Within the application form, you also mentioned music. The cloistered order does not allow for any music other than that intended to be sung in the original Latin. When I mentioned your likes to the Brothers, they had no notion of Eric Clapton, Megadeth, Slayer and Stormbringer. Brother Gary of The Sacred Boot however, admitted to a small knowledge of Black Sabbath and Pink Floyd. As a whole we are unaware of their works, and wondered if you would be able to bring suitable recordings with you at some stage. Prior Augustus does have access to a tape- recorder and a gramophone.
At Saint Alfred of The Sweaty Armpit, we have a simple outer garment. This habit consists of a standard cloak that both our own monks and those in many other orders wear. We do ask that, as ours is a dark, rusty black colour, if any other clothing is to be worn beneath it, that it be in a hue complementary to the sacred garment. This obviously precludes the red socks and the strange white footwear so many youngsters seem to prefer nowadays.
We do, on occasion, kilt the habit by reducing the length of the hemline, and tying the rope girdle in a manner so as to keep the hem of the garment from trailing in water or mud, or simply to admit a little more cool air during the warmer seasons of the year. Please note that kilting with regularity is frowned upon because of the strange effect that this appears to have on Brother Columbanus.
The normal ecclesiastical timetable is as follows:-
5:00 a.m. MATINS (With LAUDS) for approximately 30 minutes.
5:30 a.m. Breakfast
6:00 a.m. Your chosen work
8:00 a.m. PRIME for approximately 1 hour.
9:00 a.m. Your chosen work
11:00 a.m. TERCE for approximately 30 minutes.
11:30 a.m. Your chosen work
1:00 p.m. Lunch
2:00 p.m. SEXT for approximately 30 minutes.
2:30 p.m. Your chosen work
4:30 p.m. High tea
5:00 p.m. NONES for approximately 1 hour.
6:00 p.m. Choir Practice
8:00 p.m. VESPERS for approximately 1 hour 30 minutes.
9:30 p.m. Latin translation
10:30 p.m. Supper
11:00 p.m. COMPLINE for approximately 1 hour.
12:00 p.m. Bed
You would be expected to be a novice for the first two years of cloistered life, followed by a further two years study for the priesthood. Once you have become a priest, you will be able to hear confessions, take Mass, give absolutions, hold Holy Matrimony services, administer the Last Rites and hold Burial and memorial services. After you have spent at least three years as a priest, you will be in a position to study for your abbacy.
This may require your moving to another cloister within our church, firstly as a sub-Prior, then a Prior, and finally an Abbot.
When you are no longer a novice, you would then be expected to wear a tonsure; that is to shave the hair in a 6-inch circle from the crown of your head.
One last point about the Psalter that you admired. Brother Peter was so pleased that you showed such interest, that he has said that he would be delighted to help you make your own.
Go in peace, my son
Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini (Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord)
Father Benedictus (Abbot)
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see- through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus's program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '01. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw the war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that year's SuperBowl, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears, "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel.
The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
"You wanna wank?" she asked.
"You bet," came the excited reply.
"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."
Little Johnny was down the street one day at a friends birthday party. Everyone was having a swell time, playing hide-n-seek, eating cake, playing with balloons, etc.
Now, Johnny knew that he wasn't supposed to play with balloons, because his Mom had caught him throwing water-filled balloons at the neighbourhood kids. But everyone was having such a good time...
He thought, while looking around to be sure no one was watching, "I'll just grab this red one and hide it in my pocket," which he did.
A while later the party ended and Johnny went home. It was very quiet. His mother hadn't returned from her shopping yet. So, he went into the bathroom, locked the door, and pulled out the wonderful balloon!
Boy!
He blew it up. Then he squeezed the end and the balloon made a wonderful screeching sound! Wow! He blew it up again and let go. It took off in a random trajectory, bouncing off the walls and ceiling.
Great!!!
Then he blew it up again and tied a knot. He was playfully bouncing the balloon, when suddenly he heard the front door open and close.
IT WAS HIS MOM!!!
Oh God, he couldn't get the knot undone, and she was coming this way!
In his moment of panic a GREAT SOLUTION appeared - he stuck it in the toilet and closed the lid.
At about this time his Mom was banging on the door to get in,
"Johnny! Are you in there? Johnny! Open this door - I must get in there - NOW!" (She did too. She'd been shopping, and because of her refusal to use any sort of public convenience, she had to GO!!!)
Johnny got himself under reasonable control, and opened the door. She hurriedly brushed passed him, and proceeded to "Rest" (as in rest room).
A while later, rested, she got up, adjusted her garments, turned around, and was about to give the handle a push, when she thought she saw something a bit unusual... She peered down for a closer inspection, when suddenly it became clear!
She gasped, "I've passed a VITAL ORGAN!" In blind panic she ran to the phone and called Dr. Kildare. Upon hearing his voice she blurted out that she had passed a vital organ, and he must come quickly. He soothed her as best he could and assured her he'd be there as soon as possible, "Lie down 'till I get there," he said.
Presently, the two of them were hovering over the toilet together, he squinting down at it, and she, swooning. It did indeed appear to be some sort of organ! It was generally round in shape, reddish in colour, and covered in... (best not get too graphic at this point).
He said to her, "Now, now, Mrs. Jones, no need to carry on like this. I've brought my kit-bag... I'll just snip off a sample and perform a biopsy."
Which he proceeded to do. Just as he was about to make his first incision, the Dang thing EXPLODED... covering both he and Mrs. Jones with...
As Mrs. Jones regained consciousness, she gasped, "What happened? What was it? Oh, I think I'm going to faint again!!!"
Dr. Kildare, with a trace of uncertainty and bewilderment in his voice replied, "I'm not sure, Mrs. Jones, but I believe you and I are the only two people in the world to ever have seen a fart."